Mattel’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Finds A Writer And Star In Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel will not only lend his… face? Voice? To the upcoming Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, he’ll also write the script.

The jokes pretty much write themselves, but the script to Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, the upcoming big screen adaptation of Mattel‘s beloved (I guess?) children’s toy, will be written by none other than Vin Diesel. The engine behind the formerly great The Fast And The Furious franchise will also star in and produce the film.

This somewhat baffling news comes to us from toy giant Mattel themselves, who fanged out a press release on the subject.

“Based on Mattel’s iconic tabletop boxing game, Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots will bring the legendary Red Rocker and Blue Bomber to life in an all-new live-action adventure,” the release said, twisting the words “iconic” and “legendary” into new and terrifying configurations. I mean, I didn’t even know they had names.

As for Big Vin himself, Diesel offered this: “I am excited to expand the Mattel universe by bringing this classic toy from my childhood to a modern audience by telling a story that examines the role of competition in a world often measured by strength and dominance that dares to reveal the power of compassion at its core.” Which is putting a lot on the shoulders of a game where two voiceless plastic robots beat the living spit out of each other.

And finally, we can only assume Robbie Brenner, President of Mattel Studios and Chief Content Officer, kept a straight face when he said: “Vin is a powerhouse storyteller with an unmatched understanding of action, heart, and world-building. His creative vision for Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots is bold, human, and deeply cinematic—exactly the kind of storytelling we love at Mattel Studios.” Jesus Christ, he thinks they’re making Raging Bull.

Rock ‘Em. Sock ‘Em. Robots. This is our punishment for Barbenheimer.